Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
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You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Finally, an explanation.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
i wish i could marry a nap