Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
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*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
A Short Story.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.