Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
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My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano