@iwearaonesie: Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you'd pick up
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: How was your first day of school? 5-year-old: Long. Me: I'm sure tomorrow will be better. 5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
@AristotlesNZ: I don't like telling people I used to be a stalker. It sounds better saying "I spent a lot of time studying a broad."
@PhoenixRises69: Asked my 65yo mom what she'd like for Christmas and she said "Surprise me". Hope she likes her new pet python.