Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
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[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!