Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
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Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.