@dshack8: Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you're continuing to send tweets.
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@katy_fit: Remember kids, don't light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
@Playing_Dad: I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
@murrman5: "when people say different color bell peppers taste different" [doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically