Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
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WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.