Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
You Might Also Like
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I cannot stop laughing at this
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?