Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
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Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!