@That_Damn_Duck: Hell hath no fury like woman tagged in a Facebook photo that makes her look fat.
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@jus4golf: 15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar. How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
@daemonic3: WIFE: Don't embarrass me in front of my boss, he's colorblind ME: Duh [later at party] ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
@longwall26: I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I'm moving too fast, but I'd like permission to rename your cat.
@GordoHelio: Job interview... H- "So how would you describe yourself?" Me- "Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance"..