@HeidiCF8: Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a mexican drug lord.
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@joejwest: DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo? ME: [from the kitchen] No DATE: Oh. What's for dinner? ME: A suspiciously large chicken
@Cheeseboy22: Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
@david8hughes: Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today? Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead