Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
You Might Also Like
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
*Inspirational Tweets*
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.