Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
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Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you