Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
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Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Okay
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill