If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
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[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”