Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
You Might Also Like
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”