Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
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Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Life is a suicide mission.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together