Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
You Might Also Like
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said