Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
You Might Also Like
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
The smoothest fall of all time
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Stop sending me this shit.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Catering service
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now