Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
You Might Also Like
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.