Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
You Might Also Like
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
🤔😂😂
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.