“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
God, I love Scotland
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.