[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
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Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it