Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
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[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me