Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
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Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room