Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!