Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
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me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
That lamp looks PISSED.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.