[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
You Might Also Like
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.