hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
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Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *