Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
You Might Also Like
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.