Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
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I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Succinctly put.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.