“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
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*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Yup….perfect score!
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog