HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
You Might Also Like
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Brilliant!
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Pretty much. 🤣
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.