Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
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Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.