@OBiiieeee: Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?...No you hang up first! Hello? 911?
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@realHamOnWry: That crazy moment when you smell roast pork, but realize your heated car seat is set too high.
@WilliamRodgers: I'm 30 years old and I've watched Frozen 18 times this week... For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight...
@weinerdog4life: If I was a police sketch artist I would be like "is this the guy?" And they would be like "nope that's a barn" because I can only draw barns
@McNarstle: Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who's dating your ex.