@OBiiieeee: Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?...No you hang up first! Hello? 911?
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@amydillon: [son comes home with big lump on his forehead] ME: Oh no, what happened? 7: I fell down on the playground. ME: How did you fall? 7: Forward.
@Tmoney68: A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
@bornmiserable: My greatest fear is that I'll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me