My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
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On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
The struggle is real.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project