I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
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Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock