Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
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Actually cracking up @ this
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile