The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
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My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I’m having an out of money experience.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.