“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
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Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.