Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
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[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours