Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
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The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Finally!
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat