“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
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Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
This will teach them to underestimate me
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad