If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
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I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless