I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
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4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
When someone trying to leave me
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
this is the greatest thing ever
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
getting corrected
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.