*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
You Might Also Like
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Big Sex has us all fooled
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast