@megfraser: HELLO automatic flushing toilet!! I appreciate the enthusiasm but I really wasn't finished
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@suzieQ0007: Most people who think I'm a nice person have no idea that I'd trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
@itsboyschapter: My mother always told me "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"...and some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.
@Danny_McH2O: I'm so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign. And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] me: I'm having an affair