Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
You Might Also Like
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.