LOL
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Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.