HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
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How I like cutting carbs
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up