Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
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*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.