“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
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A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
She was REALLY feeling it.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.