“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
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Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Yes
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t