Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
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I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Good dog. ❤️
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.